Valdosta - AP - The Lowndes County Board of Commissioners scored a two-fer last night at its regularly scheduled meeting by taking care of two issues with just one new law. The county now has an ordinance that sentences all vagrants to "work for food" by shoveling horse manure at the new Horse Arena.
Citizen complaints about the increase in crime and harassment by vagrants caught the County without a law on the books that would give the Sheriff's Department the legal tools to detain vagrants. At the same time, county officials have been burnt by numerous complaints about the costs of the new horse arena.
The Outgoing High Sheriff noted that the department faced potential budget shortfalls with earlier proposals to jail offenders for 90 days. "They'll eat you out of house and home," said the Sheriff, "and it costs a fortune to handle common medical problems like STD's, intestinal parasites, and cooties."
County staffers noted that the free labor would offset most of the cost of feeding the jailed vagrants. The food budget would be supplemented by the county road crews collecting fresh road kill and off-duty deputies shooting wild game at night over baited fields.
"We could have tapped the food bank", said one staffer, "but we felt like the vagrants would prefer not to radically change their diet. If you've been dumpster diving for months you might go into convulsions and die after a meal of Warm Mousseline of Sussex Chicken stuffed with Cave Matured Roquefort and Fresh Harvested Walnuts with a Sauce of Sorrel Hollandaise and Julienne of Russet Apples." A meal, the staffer noted modestly, like the one he recently ate in Atlanta on an expenses paid business trip for the county.
In discussion before the vote, Commissioners felt that housing the vagrants in unused horse stalls and using them for common labor would be an improvement over their current situation. Commissioners preferred housing the vagrant population in cheaper, existing, low-security facilities like the horse arena as opposed to building more expensive beds at the County Jail.
One commissioner, speaking anonymously after the meeting because he'd like to be re-elected, told reporters that if the vagrants escaped and ran out of the county "it would be alright by me."
A citizen, requesting anonyminity because his wife would "cut him off" if she knew he said it, blamed the situation on "bleeding heart do-gooders" who kept giving food to homeless people "even though they know it just encourages them".
The citizen expressed satisfaction with the new law saying, "if word gets out that you really have to 'work for food' in Lowndes County we might quit being a varmint magnet".
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Thursday, June 26, 2008
AFZ - Acronym Free Zone
A 60 year old teacher became incensed when her teen aged grand children started laughing at her licence plate. It was WTF-followed by four numbers. The text messaging teens let her in on the secret that WTF stands for "What The ****" among the thumb typing crowd.
She complained immediately to the North Carolina DMV. Naturally.
Not content with replacing one licence tag, the DMV mailed 9999 car owners that they had an obscenity on their rear and offered to replace it for free. That was last July.
For 11 months thereafter, no one at the DMV noticed that the 10,000th guilty licence plate resided on their Departmental Website. That would be sample licence plate WTF-5506. Turns out the WTF series was the first one off the press. The juvenile deliquents at the state pen had to be in on the joke.
The DMV admits that they vet their licence plates for obscenities all the time which must make for interesting talk around the water cooler. One would think that they would have consulted Google for "dirty Internet acronyms" like I did and discover the List of Internet and Text Message Shorthand.
As a public service, I am pleased to present a list of dirty text messaging acronyms. Is one of these flashing the world from your rear bumper? If so, then ATB (Ain't That a Bitch).
URS, AFT, AMF, BFE, BFD,BFR, BMF, CAS,CBF, CRS, FAH, FBI, FSS, FOS, GFF, AFU, NFF, NFG, NFW, NSS, PFC, RFR, SEG, SOL, SOS, YBF
No, I'm not putting in the translations. You can look them up yourself!
They won't be able to resist banning this list when the Georgia General Assembly meets next January. For good measure, they should ban the number 8. Yeah, look that 1 up, 2.
Finally, I recommend my list to parents for a fun and interesting game to play in the car on long trips with the kids. One point for every acronym they spot. If you are really into encouraging creative play, award extra points for coming up with a dirty acronym for any licence tag they see. For even more educational fun, you can have the kids write the DMV and complain when they get home.
Sure will beat the hell out of 20 questions.
She complained immediately to the North Carolina DMV. Naturally.
Not content with replacing one licence tag, the DMV mailed 9999 car owners that they had an obscenity on their rear and offered to replace it for free. That was last July.
For 11 months thereafter, no one at the DMV noticed that the 10,000th guilty licence plate resided on their Departmental Website. That would be sample licence plate WTF-5506. Turns out the WTF series was the first one off the press. The juvenile deliquents at the state pen had to be in on the joke.
The DMV admits that they vet their licence plates for obscenities all the time which must make for interesting talk around the water cooler. One would think that they would have consulted Google for "dirty Internet acronyms" like I did and discover the List of Internet and Text Message Shorthand.
As a public service, I am pleased to present a list of dirty text messaging acronyms. Is one of these flashing the world from your rear bumper? If so, then ATB (Ain't That a Bitch).
URS, AFT, AMF, BFE, BFD,BFR, BMF, CAS,CBF, CRS, FAH, FBI, FSS, FOS, GFF, AFU, NFF, NFG, NFW, NSS, PFC, RFR, SEG, SOL, SOS, YBF
No, I'm not putting in the translations. You can look them up yourself!
They won't be able to resist banning this list when the Georgia General Assembly meets next January. For good measure, they should ban the number 8. Yeah, look that 1 up, 2.
Finally, I recommend my list to parents for a fun and interesting game to play in the car on long trips with the kids. One point for every acronym they spot. If you are really into encouraging creative play, award extra points for coming up with a dirty acronym for any licence tag they see. For even more educational fun, you can have the kids write the DMV and complain when they get home.
Sure will beat the hell out of 20 questions.
Speech at VSU is Free, Parking is another matter
Valdosta Daily Times - Free expression policies at Valdosta State questioned
If, like me, you were really puzzled about this story, do not dispair. I have done the reseach for you. The Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (F.I.R.E) has put VSU up in lights as one of the worst colleges in the nation for Freedom of Speech -- you can read their harange here.
If, like me, you were really puzzled about this story, do not dispair. I have done the reseach for you. The Foundation for Individual Rights in Education (F.I.R.E) has put VSU up in lights as one of the worst colleges in the nation for Freedom of Speech -- you can read their harange here.
This all began when a protesting student posted a picture of the new Parking Garage and called it the President Zaccari Memorial Parking garage. Zaccari decided that "memorial" meant that the student wished him dead and expelled him for being a terrorist. The student didn't realize that "memorial" meant that the President was dead -- so much for the efficacy of a college education.
I do believe that F.I.R.E. has misunderstood the college's policy on the so called Freedom of Expression Area, though, and have asked for a clarification. Here is my letter to the Executive Director, Greg Lukianoff. Will he get the joke or blow up? We can only wait...
Former VSU President Zaccari deserves all you can toss at him for his conduct in the affair with T. Hayden Barnes. The incredible thinness of Zaccari's skin is an embarrassment to all VSU alums -- and I am one. A much better way to have handled Mr. Barnes would have been to offer to name the parking garage the T. Hayden Barnes Parking Palace. Sadly, such an elegant solution did not occur to Zaccari.
I became aware of VSU's singular honor on your red list from a completely muddled news story in the Valdosta Daily Times. Perhaps you are aware of it, if not -- here is a link, but you should place all liquids safely out of harms way before reading:
http://www.valdostadailytimes.com/local/local_story_172233302.html
As you can tell, the Times pays just above minimum wage for scribes.
The story gives your letter short shrift and your site, unfortunately, does not give me a copy of the letter, either. It would be nice if you would post it.
The FEA seems to be one of those anal retentive things academics do to institutionalize something that was already in existence. I fondly remember the itinerate preacher who used to park himself in the same spot during the early 80's to preach hell fire and damnation -- students just laughed at him which made him even hotter.
Back then the spot was simply known as the front steps to the cafeteria. Who knew that it harbored such grandiose ambition?
Before accusing you of an Emily Lattella moment, I would like to read your letter. From what I can see, students protest all manner of things in all manner of places and not much happens to them. In fact, the faculty and staff often pay much more serious attention to these complaints than warranted -- which just encourages the humorless little fascists.
Looking forward to reading your letter.
Best regards,
Merrill Guice
Before accusing you of an Emily Lattella moment, I would like to read your letter. From what I can see, students protest all manner of things in all manner of places and not much happens to them. In fact, the faculty and staff often pay much more serious attention to these complaints than warranted -- which just encourages the humorless little fascists.
Looking forward to reading your letter.
Best regards,
Merrill Guice
Update 6-26 : They have ignored my letter - wonder why?
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Possum? It's What's for Dinner
Animal activists were horrified at a fraternity at the University of Georgia that "killed, skinned, cooked, and ate" a raccoon at a park in Athens. Just twenty miles from this keyboard in Echols County this is what is known as "supper". It could well be opossum or armadillo on the half-shell -- depending on what wild animal looked directly into the high powered Q-Beam floodlight as it shown over the baited field last night.
These people are also squealing about a drunken pet pig that was found on a campus. Getting your pet drunk has been going on as long as people have been getting drunk and have had pets. Would they have been upset if the frat boys had killed and eaten the pig? Aren't the squeamish already asking that we anesthetize animals before slaughter?
In my fraternity we had a dog named "Dammit" because that was what we shouted at him all the time. Dammit acquired the taste for beer by licking up the normal spillage at the sloppy end of a televised football game. Before long, Dammit started begging when people opened a beer.
We thought it was cute until Dammit was alone one day and ripped open a case of beer. He bashed a six-pack around on its little plastic rings until something gave and spilled. Dammit picked up several unprintable nicknames after that one.
A meeting was held and it was decided that Dammit was going on the wagon. The next morning, he was locked up in one of the bedrooms. When we came back after lunch we found Dammit passed out on the floor with a broken bottle of Crown Royal he had smelled out from the top drawer of the dresser. Crown Royal -- this was serious.
We chained Dammit up in the garage and made sure his chain run did not approach any alcohol. In our garage that took some doing and emptying the place took most of the afternoon as we carried empties and half empties to the garbage. Dammit howled and howled the entire time. We went inside and had a beer. When things got quiet outside someone went out and snuck a peek to find Dammit's collar on the floor and no Dammit.
Oh, did we look and look for that dog. Oh, did we piss off so many people driving down their street shouting "Dammit! Dammit!” It took a week to find that dog and then only on a lucky break when some pledges spotted him hanging around outside of the ABC Liquor store begging for handouts.
It was time for professional help. We took the dog to a vet hoping he would have a canine drunk tank or maybe some doggy anabuse pills.
"Boys," he said, looking over his glasses, "the only way I can stop this dog from drinking is to put him down. Once a dog is hooked on hooch, he's history." He stared at us and we stared at the floor and he made us promise not to spill beer on the floor anymore and let the dog drink it up.
We buried Dammit under a headstone made with beer cans. We didn't swear off eating squirrel or frog legs, or possum, but we never again fed alcohol to a dog. Giving a monkey a lit cigarette? Ahhhhh, That's another matter altogether....
These people are also squealing about a drunken pet pig that was found on a campus. Getting your pet drunk has been going on as long as people have been getting drunk and have had pets. Would they have been upset if the frat boys had killed and eaten the pig? Aren't the squeamish already asking that we anesthetize animals before slaughter?
In my fraternity we had a dog named "Dammit" because that was what we shouted at him all the time. Dammit acquired the taste for beer by licking up the normal spillage at the sloppy end of a televised football game. Before long, Dammit started begging when people opened a beer.
We thought it was cute until Dammit was alone one day and ripped open a case of beer. He bashed a six-pack around on its little plastic rings until something gave and spilled. Dammit picked up several unprintable nicknames after that one.
A meeting was held and it was decided that Dammit was going on the wagon. The next morning, he was locked up in one of the bedrooms. When we came back after lunch we found Dammit passed out on the floor with a broken bottle of Crown Royal he had smelled out from the top drawer of the dresser. Crown Royal -- this was serious.
We chained Dammit up in the garage and made sure his chain run did not approach any alcohol. In our garage that took some doing and emptying the place took most of the afternoon as we carried empties and half empties to the garbage. Dammit howled and howled the entire time. We went inside and had a beer. When things got quiet outside someone went out and snuck a peek to find Dammit's collar on the floor and no Dammit.
Oh, did we look and look for that dog. Oh, did we piss off so many people driving down their street shouting "Dammit! Dammit!” It took a week to find that dog and then only on a lucky break when some pledges spotted him hanging around outside of the ABC Liquor store begging for handouts.
It was time for professional help. We took the dog to a vet hoping he would have a canine drunk tank or maybe some doggy anabuse pills.
"Boys," he said, looking over his glasses, "the only way I can stop this dog from drinking is to put him down. Once a dog is hooked on hooch, he's history." He stared at us and we stared at the floor and he made us promise not to spill beer on the floor anymore and let the dog drink it up.
We buried Dammit under a headstone made with beer cans. We didn't swear off eating squirrel or frog legs, or possum, but we never again fed alcohol to a dog. Giving a monkey a lit cigarette? Ahhhhh, That's another matter altogether....
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