Free Speech at VSU: Part III

An update for those of you following the VSU Free Speech issue that I have made fun of is available on my "serious" blog Inside The Nest

Monday Morning Econonics Class

Good morning class.  I have read your papers on why gas prices are so high today following Hurricane Ike.  Everyone of you failed, miserably, except for Ms. Gnoital.

The bad news is that all but one of you will be spending tonight re-writing your papers.  The good news is you now qualify for public office or a job in the media.  Please! please! Practice patting yourself on your back on your own time. You are grotesquing me out with these pretzel movements.

Now class, last week we discussed what people do when gas prices are falling. Well, actually I talked about it and only Ms. Gnoital was paying attention. OK, you avoid filling up your tank today because prices will be lower tomorrow. Gas stations do the same thing. What's that?  You always fill up your tank because your Dad is paying for it?  That is the greater fool theory -- we'll get into that next quarter.

So, gas stations kept their supplies low AND their suppliers kept their supplies low for the same reason - wanting to buy cheaper tomorrow.  What happens if the refineries suddenly shut down for a hurricane? Anyone? Anyone? Ms. Gnoital, give the others a chance, please.  Jesus, Joseph, and Mary you're all dumb enough to be Governor of Georgia -- stop it!  stop with the back patting!

The result is, there's no gas.  As soon as one station runs out and the news spreads everyone takes their almost empty tank and fills it up.  Not only their gas tank, but their gas cans, their lawnmowers, their leaf blowers and all the empty two liter pop bottles in the recycle bin.  

The gas station was already low before this started and every time the owner checks wholesale prices they see it climbing out of sight -- they panic, too. They start rising their prices so they'll have enough money on hand to buy the next 10,000 gallon tank of gas when they run out. That was the correct answer to last night's paper.

So, for tonight's re-write. I want one thousand words on what should happen next to avoid situations like these. Be warned! If you say that the government should investigate price gouging or that you should write an editorial blasting gas stations, not only will you get an F: You will also have to take Ms. Gnoital out to dinner.

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This silliness is based on facts.  You can find some links on this at my companion blog, Inside the Nest.

Open Letter to mguice

Dear Mary, Morgan, and Michael;

I know that, as Guices, you are used to having it easy finding a unique username on the Internet because our common surname is very uncommon in the United States with less than 2500 phone listings; however, the handle mguice belongs to me on both Google and Yahoo and eBay and most any other Internet website that was around when the web started in the mid-1990's.  This is because I am older than you, older than dirt, and am so old that I was on the Internet before the web browser was invented.

Al Gore might have invented the Internet, but I was the first Guice to login to a website.

I am writing because all of you seem to think that YOU are mguice@yahoo.com or mguice@gmail.com and so forth.

Mary and Morgan.  From the spam that I get for you on Yahoo I can determine that you are both single females who are looking for love in all the Internet places.  You enjoy secret shopping. You love to sign up for sweepstakes and you have way too much credit card debt.  That last part because you both have been approved for loans to get rid of your credit card balances and replace them with one huge honking crock of hock.

I was nice and wrote back and told the loan officers to call you with the good(?) financial news. My phone didn't ring so that means you don't think you own my phone number, too.  You would have less debt if you would stop corresponding with the Treasurer of the Bank of Nigeria.  I know he writes a lot, but I don't think he has your best interests at heart.

Micheal. I really appreciate your trusting me with your account at Bank of America.  I would have cleaned you out, but your balance wouldn't have gotten me much past Teeterville, GA.   After BoA customer care corrected the problem, you went back and changed the email  from my Yahoo account to my GMail account.  I'm the one who told customer care to cancel the account and advise you to go back to using a sock behind the dryer.  I think that would be much safer for you than modern banking.

You also seem to have issues keeping a job.  Every six months or so, I get a flurry of e-mails from HR people thanking you for participating in a phone interview.  This last time, after the fifth email in one day, I started writing back and asking them if they really, really wanted to hire a man who couldn't remember his own e-mail address.  Two of them agreed with me, I'll leave it to you to guess who.

So far, it does not look like any of you have reproduced.  It is not for any lack of trying, I know.  I wish I didn't, but I know.  Should any of you manage to propagate your DNA, please christen your child with something other than a name beginning with the letter M.

Please do not write back.  In fact, it would help if you forgot how to write.  Really.  Writing in the wrong hands is dangerous stuff.  

All my familial love,

mguice

PS to my loyal readers: No, I didn't make it up.  The above is all painfully true.  Instead of Internet for Dummies, what we really need is an Internet with Training Wheels.

Shameless Search Terms

In 2004, I did a post about a book called The Bean Trees that was banned by the Lowndes County Board of Education because, among other things, it featured turtles having sex.

I get at least one visit a day to this blog because of that post. This because I am one of the few web pages that uses the phrase "Turtle Sex".  In fact, by writing the phrase "Turtle Sex" over and over in this post I am guaranteeing that Google will now think that I am an expert in Turtle Sex and send even more people to my blog who are looking for... Turtle Sex. 

Lord knows what the content enabled advertisements in the right hand column of my blog will now show. Maybe "Turtles for Sale" or "Turtle Sex Toys". If I start getting hits for Turtle Sex Toys, then I'm going to start selling them. Surely there is more money in Turtle Sex Toys than there is in writing silly humor for free.

Porn websites put little phrases in their copy, Sarah Palin naked, that make people who are desperate for weird sex, Puppy Sex, or who are celebrity obsessed, Sandra Bullock naked, or just sick, Phyllis Diller's breasts, to trick the search engines into thinking that they actually have these things on their website. While they might not actually have Sarah Palin naked, or Puppy Sex, or Sandra Bullock Naked they figure that sex is sex and porn is porn and you'll just look at their stuff anyway you sick puppy you.

IF the search terms "Sarah Palin naked", or "Puppy Sex", or "Sandra Bullock Naked", or even "Turtle Sex Toys" have brought you here today, maybe you should click on Sex Addiction Workshop. 

OR, you can read all my posts going back to 2004. If that doesn't kill your sex drive deader than a smished Armadillo, I don't know what will.

Hmm, smished Armadillo, that term only gets six hits on Google. I bet I'll be at the top of THAT list by the end of the day!

The Attack of the Blue Meanies

The Main Stream Media are now the Modern Day Equivalent of the little blue haired ladies from Boston. Call them the little blue shirted ladies and gentlemen after the camera friendly blue shirting's they wear; or, better yet, the little blue meanies of the media.

To be banned in Boston by the little blue haired ladies was a Seal of Disapproval that piqued public curiosity in such a way as to loosen a shower of cash on directors and authors of mildly salacious material. Spice your material with a little sex, like young girls getting pregnant out of wedlock in a small town in Alaska,  and you were Banned in Boston. Open wallet, exit smiling.

The little blue meanies did their work on the new movie, "Governor Palin Goes to Washington", and they did do their best work. Governor Palin opened her metaphorical purse Wednesday night as an estimated Forty Plus Million tuned in to watch her star turn on the national stage.

If this really were a movie with 40 million tickets sold in one night the take would easily top 400 million dollars.  No movie has ever hit that number even over an extended three day holiday weekend.

Impressive. Even for the little Blue Meanies. Who were feeling especially blue and bruised once she was through with them. The overnight returns were 38.7 million viewers. When you add in C-Span and PBS, the number goes to over 40 million.

Not to let a good thing die, the producers of the Republican Convention rushed out a remake of the movie "Maverick" starring John McCain.  The overnights show that Big John has pulled in more viewers for his show than any of the political movies released in the last two weeks.  Like the moguls of old, the owners of the Republican studio are teaming up their new stars for a new movie out in November -- rumored to be a remake of a John Wayne classic, movie to be named later.

The little blue meanies are reduced to engaging the Mythbusters team to prove that Wednesday night's speech didn't really happen at all. That it was just a massive conspiracy like the moon landings: made possible by Hollywood special effects and starring Tina Fey.

Somewhere in Hollywood a bright guy has to be pitching a red-meat for the red-states movie with the added kicker -- "I'm sure we can get Keith Olbermann to name the director "Worst Person in the World" on Countdown AND land a nasty cover on US magazine.

If he's lucky, he'll get a green light to proceed.  Uhh, make that a blue light.