Monday Morning Econonics Class

Good morning class.  I have read your papers on why gas prices are so high today following Hurricane Ike.  Everyone of you failed, miserably, except for Ms. Gnoital.

The bad news is that all but one of you will be spending tonight re-writing your papers.  The good news is you now qualify for public office or a job in the media.  Please! please! Practice patting yourself on your back on your own time. You are grotesquing me out with these pretzel movements.

Now class, last week we discussed what people do when gas prices are falling. Well, actually I talked about it and only Ms. Gnoital was paying attention. OK, you avoid filling up your tank today because prices will be lower tomorrow. Gas stations do the same thing. What's that?  You always fill up your tank because your Dad is paying for it?  That is the greater fool theory -- we'll get into that next quarter.

So, gas stations kept their supplies low AND their suppliers kept their supplies low for the same reason - wanting to buy cheaper tomorrow.  What happens if the refineries suddenly shut down for a hurricane? Anyone? Anyone? Ms. Gnoital, give the others a chance, please.  Jesus, Joseph, and Mary you're all dumb enough to be Governor of Georgia -- stop it!  stop with the back patting!

The result is, there's no gas.  As soon as one station runs out and the news spreads everyone takes their almost empty tank and fills it up.  Not only their gas tank, but their gas cans, their lawnmowers, their leaf blowers and all the empty two liter pop bottles in the recycle bin.  

The gas station was already low before this started and every time the owner checks wholesale prices they see it climbing out of sight -- they panic, too. They start rising their prices so they'll have enough money on hand to buy the next 10,000 gallon tank of gas when they run out. That was the correct answer to last night's paper.

So, for tonight's re-write. I want one thousand words on what should happen next to avoid situations like these. Be warned! If you say that the government should investigate price gouging or that you should write an editorial blasting gas stations, not only will you get an F: You will also have to take Ms. Gnoital out to dinner.

---

This silliness is based on facts.  You can find some links on this at my companion blog, Inside the Nest.

Recession Tips

With the price of gasoline siphoning my pockets dry of cash, I have scoured the web for ways to save. I have been dissappointed. Many of these lists carry the cod liver oil scent of being Good For You. If you can't save money in interesting ways that are not necessarily good for you, why bother?

Since I could not find what I wanted, I have created my own money saving advice that is worth exactly what you paid for it.

Quit Eating Diet Foods - The only diet food that costs the same as regular food is Diet Cola. Smart Ones Double Chocolate Rich Eclairs cost twice as much as the regular ones in the bakery. Do they make you skinny? Of course not! Diet food just makes you feel less guilty about eating and being fat. Instead, try being guilty about spending so much cash at the grocery store. There are lots of fat poor people in the world... and you can join most of them for a money saving supper at Ryan's.

Eat Your Pantry -- If your pantry is like mine, it has canned foods that you or your wife purchased while in a dream. You dreamed you might actually eat canned okra with tomatoes someday. Make your dream come true and eat all the food you've been neglecting. Think of it as penance for all those real chocolate eclairs you are now eating.

Drive Real Slow - A heavy foot eats up gas. Instead of rushing everywhere, slow down. Drive the minimum speed limit. Put the car in neutral and coast down hills; see how far you can go before you have to put the car back in drive. Keep the stereo loud to drown out the honking. Wave and say thank you to all the people giving you the finger, the thumb, or the arm. Isn't saving money fun?

Quit Watching Television - Careful, this could lead to a very expensive event called divorce if your wife is addicted to reality TV shows. Get her permission first. You will save a ton on Cable TV bills, Ronco Rotissary Ovens, Time-Life collections, and orange flavored cleaners. Who are these people who taste their spray cleaner, anyway?

Get Rid of Your Dog - Food bills, vet bills, new furniture, new rugs, and on and on and on. A dog will cost you a $1000 a year or more. Getting rid of fido is easier than you think. Just slip off his collar, let him out the front door, and then call animal control to complain about him. Your cat will thank you for it.

Convert to a Gas Water Heater. They are more efficient and will save you money in the long run. This is a shameless plug. I put it in here because I work for the Gas Company. Making more money is always more fun than saving it.

and a final solution to saving money....

Commit Suicide - Admittedly, this is an extreme option that is illegal; but, what are they going to do, jail your corpse? Being dead is very cheap and only a worry to those who fear going to Hell. If you consider this option, convert to Hinduism first. Hindus get to come back to life as other animals, live much cheaper, and have more fun than you do now. Take rabbits for example. All they do is eat, copulate, sleep, and leave a young, good looking corpse. It's the kind of life I could enjoy over and over.

If you have any interesting ways to save money (as opposed to boring obvious ones) please share by hitting the comment link below.

Oh, and there are actual, boring, money saving links now up on Inside the Nest.