I know that, as Guices, you are used to having it easy finding a unique username on the Internet because our common surname is very uncommon in the United States with less than 2500 phone listings; however, the handle mguice belongs to me on both Google and Yahoo and eBay and most any other Internet website that was around when the web started in the mid-1990's. This is because I am older than you, older than dirt, and am so old that I was on the Internet before the web browser was invented.
Al Gore might have invented the Internet, but I was the first Guice to login to a website.
I am writing because all of you seem to think that YOU are mguice@yahoo.com or mguice@gmail.com and so forth.
Mary and Morgan. From the spam that I get for you on Yahoo I can determine that you are both single females who are looking for love in all the Internet places. You enjoy secret shopping. You love to sign up for sweepstakes and you have way too much credit card debt. That last part because you both have been approved for loans to get rid of your credit card balances and replace them with one huge honking crock of hock.
I was nice and wrote back and told the loan officers to call you with the good(?) financial news. My phone didn't ring so that means you don't think you own my phone number, too. You would have less debt if you would stop corresponding with the Treasurer of the Bank of Nigeria. I know he writes a lot, but I don't think he has your best interests at heart.
Micheal. I really appreciate your trusting me with your account at Bank of America. I would have cleaned you out, but your balance wouldn't have gotten me much past Teeterville, GA. After BoA customer care corrected the problem, you went back and changed the email from my Yahoo account to my GMail account. I'm the one who told customer care to cancel the account and advise you to go back to using a sock behind the dryer. I think that would be much safer for you than modern banking.
You also seem to have issues keeping a job. Every six months or so, I get a flurry of e-mails from HR people thanking you for participating in a phone interview. This last time, after the fifth email in one day, I started writing back and asking them if they really, really wanted to hire a man who couldn't remember his own e-mail address. Two of them agreed with me, I'll leave it to you to guess who.
So far, it does not look like any of you have reproduced. It is not for any lack of trying, I know. I wish I didn't, but I know. Should any of you manage to propagate your DNA, please christen your child with something other than a name beginning with the letter M.
Please do not write back. In fact, it would help if you forgot how to write. Really. Writing in the wrong hands is dangerous stuff.
All my familial love,
mguice
PS to my loyal readers: No, I didn't make it up. The above is all painfully true. Instead of Internet for Dummies, what we really need is an Internet with Training Wheels.
