The ESPN Title Town trophy has an embarrassment of fathers. The City wants it for the City Hall Lobby. The quasi governmental Valdosta Lowndes County Convention and Visitor's Bureau wants it for the James H. Rainwater Conference Center. All the schools want it to rotate among their various trophy cases which means Valdosta High School might have to dust those three walls worth of trophies for once.
All these different "stake holders" are to meet to discuss the Solomon's question of how to divide this baby. Absent tin shears and acetylene torches, the only fair solution would be to license anyone who had a legitimate claim to pay the manufacturer $10,000 to make them one of their very own.
Whatever solution they agree on will not be acceptable to someone and that someone will call in to our local "Rant and Rave" newspaper column and give us all the benefit of their knowledge. I am looking forward to making fun of them.
The first question that comes to my mind about the traveling option is which one of our myriad Insurance Agents will get to insure the $10,000 trophy against damage when it gets dropped as it is toted around from place to place. The second question is: who gets to pay the insurance guy?
I have my own pet solutions. You knew that was coming, didn't you? Feel free to suggest your own in the comments section.
- Cut a hole in the top so that you can pour beer into it and pass it around at parties it ala the Stanley Cup.
- Keep it at the hospital for terminally ill patients to touch.
- Put it up at the college so that only people who go to VSU Blazer Basketball games can look at it.
- Hold a new Title Town contest by selling it on eBay and go back to being Winnersville. Use the proceeds to give Jessie Tuttle speaking lessons. They hand the guy the trophy on national television and all he can say is hamana hanama stutter yada yada.
- Give it to whatever football power wins the State and/or National Title that year. In case of a tie, put the head administrator of each school in a cage for a wrestling match to the death. Sell tickets to the match so we can give Jessie Tuttle more speaking lessons.
- I know, I know what you are saying... Open Bible School doesn't have a football team. We'll let them touch it once in a while as compensation.
- Ask Santa Claus to put one in every one's stocking this year.
- Build a glass sarcophagus on the courthouse lawn and put it there. Every year have naked athletes hold it over their heads and parade it through town. Didn't the Greeks do that?
Years and years from now, when no one is left living who cares, we can put it in the Lowndes County Historical Society and Museum next to those old pictures of Doc Holiday. Our progeny can then wonder what all the folderol was about.
Update 8/23/08
After a long meeting, they agreed to ignore all my helpful suggestions and put the Trophy in the Conference Center. Schools will be allowed to borrow it for events.
Most interesting is that a full-sized Plexiglas replica can be had for only $600. You'll see that in a trophy case coming soon. My worry is that the trophy clearly has the year 2008 on it. Will we have to do this all again next year? OMG!
