Let's Fight About It Again!

I have already seen the legal drinking age change twice in my life (in 1972 and 1984) and lived through two sets of "debates" on the issue. Here comes the third debate and I'm hoping I'm cremated and buried next to the drainpipe at the church (I like to swim) before I endure another.

Like a couple who aren't happy if they aren't fighting, the College liberals have decided to take on the Reformer liberals at M.A.D.D. about letting kids drink again at 18. It is called the the Amethyst Initiative. College Presidents who sign the initiative agree it is time for a debate on the legal age to drink. Only debate, mind you. No one says they are actually for it. Being an invertebrate is a job requirement for College Presidents.

Mindful of their dignity, they couldn't just name it something plebeian like D.R.I.N.K.U.P. They had to link it to Greek Mythology. A nice girl named Amethyst was out drinking with Dionysus. This was not a good idea because he always gets amorous when he's in his cups. Just as he was reaching for Amethyst's cups, Diana turned her into a white stone. Diana always was "helping" young girls in this manner because she hated the competition. Dionysus spilled some wine on the White rock and all the rock's progeny became cheap gemstones.

Most Greek scientists like Aristotle and were either philosophical about mythology's warped logic or they were stoic and kept their mouths shut. That's why today we study about the Philosopher-Scientists and Stoics in school.

Geeze, I'm rattling on like Dionysus on his third wine cooler here.

The Amethyst people blame the current law as the cause of binge drinking. The M.A.D.D. people blame the College Presidents for "shirking their responsibility to protect students from the dangers of underage drinking". What are the poor Presidents supposed to do? Throw themselves in front of the beer wagon?

M.A.D.D. thinks that schools should start teaching about the evils of drink in the 4th grade. Here in Valdosta we have these programs already. Young children learn to get shirty with their Dad for having a martini before dinner. Dad unlearns them real quick, you betcha.

Amethyst links over to the parent website "Choose Reponsibility" where they propose that young people aged 19 and 20 should be required to take courses to obtain a "Licence To Drink". Talk about peer pressure. How could you face your peers after having flunked the drinking test?

I hate to be profane here, but my God in Heaven, when you gave people Free Will couldn't you have put them through a licencing process first so they wouldn't make such asses of themselves?

Before the temperance movement took away our innocence, kids used to drink with their parents when their parents thought they were old enough to drink. Everyone was comfortably unaware that there was a binge drinking problem because everyone was drunk. Kind of like Adam and Eve being happily and oblivously trashed in the Garden of Evil until Carrie A. Nation slithered into the place and started smashing all the bar furniture.

Kids today come to college out of a hermetically sealed enviroment called home where they can't have sex in the bedroom when they want, can't stay out all hours, can't get drunk in the living room, and have to take out the trash. After so many years of this brutal parental oppression, they escape to college and go wack-a-doodle. It dawns on them in their Junior year that the party ends when they graduate so, they start piercing and tattoing themselves silly. Pitiful. You'd get drunk, too.

The answer is to let people in college drink legally in a safe enviroment. This can be done now with no changes in laws and no classes, or licencing, or idiotic debates, or, horrors! -- draconian enforcment of the laws. The solution is found in the Federal Law in plain sight.

When I first picked up the law and found that underage drinking was allowed "when accompanied by a parent, spouse or legal guardian age 21 or older" I thought I had found the answer. Then my wife told me that if I started going to college keggers with the kids, she was going to do a Lorena Bobbit on me. That ended that.

So, I picked up the law again and there it was: underage drinking can be allowed "in private clubs or establishments". What is a Fraternity or Sorority anyway? Talk about your Greek Revivals on campus. Instead of banning alcohol at Greek Houses, you turn them into Country Clubs. Put a mini-golf in the back yard. Let the non-Greeks form drinking clubs and rent out rooms at the student union. Put the shuttle buses to work carrying everyone back to the dorm.

Permitted and encouraged, drunkeness will lose its cachet.

This idea is not without its dangers. Number one in my mind is that the Amethyst Initiative and the M.A.D.D. people will join legs to stomp the living life out of me for suggesting it. There are reasons why so many of those Greeks were Stoic.

New Things You Cannot Do

You cannot do that in Valdosta! There is something about being told "you cannot" that creates the urge to do it immediately. With that warning, here are more suggestions for our growing list of 100 Things You Cannot Do in Valdosta.

Last week's posting brought a wealth of suggestions. I've included the ones that do not duplicate others. As always, I sometimes edit to make them punchy. Picks are made by me for any arbitrary notion I have and are not subject to any criterion of reasonableness.

When in Valdosta DON'T ...

• expect Dexter Sharper to let a chance to run for office to pass him by.
• look dumb founded when someone asks to hold your pen, or ask why. Just let them have it; they'll give it back.
• ask where the VSU Stadium is located.
• try to buy beer after 2 in the morning.
• be such a lush that you run out of beer at 2 in the morning.
• admit you are a Democrat.
• open a new bar. Nobody messes with Rockin Rodeo...nobody.
• use your blinker.
• feed your baby milk. Put Coca-Cola in the bottle! It's a tradition!
• put your shopping cart in the cart drop-off. Leave it anywhere.
• tell a girl that you are from Moody AFB unless you are a pilot.
• look at the "I hate bugs" billboards.
• make fun of the "I hate bugs" billboards. It's the owner's daughter!
• expect to make good wages -- unless you are from out of town.
• ask if it is incestuous to slow dance with your daughter at the Father/Daughter dance.
• diagonal park downtown, even if your little car will fit in that box.
• expect the lights to stay on after the first lightning strike.

You can propose your additions to the list by clicking on the comment link. Comments require that you either have a gmail account or an OpenAccess account. If you have neither, clicking on the comment link will give you a chance to do so.

The ones I pick for further consideration will be featured in a Daily Egg post and comments will be invited. If you survive that round, on the list you go. Picks are made by me for any arbitrary notion I have and are not subject to any criterion of reasonableness.