New Things You Cannot Do

You cannot do that in Valdosta! There is something about being told "you cannot" that creates the urge to do it immediately. With that warning, here are more suggestions for our growing list of 100 Things You Cannot Do in Valdosta.

Last week's posting brought a wealth of suggestions. I've included the ones that do not duplicate others. As always, I sometimes edit to make them punchy. Picks are made by me for any arbitrary notion I have and are not subject to any criterion of reasonableness.

When in Valdosta DON'T ...

• expect Dexter Sharper to let a chance to run for office to pass him by.
• look dumb founded when someone asks to hold your pen, or ask why. Just let them have it; they'll give it back.
• ask where the VSU Stadium is located.
• try to buy beer after 2 in the morning.
• be such a lush that you run out of beer at 2 in the morning.
• admit you are a Democrat.
• open a new bar. Nobody messes with Rockin Rodeo...nobody.
• use your blinker.
• feed your baby milk. Put Coca-Cola in the bottle! It's a tradition!
• put your shopping cart in the cart drop-off. Leave it anywhere.
• tell a girl that you are from Moody AFB unless you are a pilot.
• look at the "I hate bugs" billboards.
• make fun of the "I hate bugs" billboards. It's the owner's daughter!
• expect to make good wages -- unless you are from out of town.
• ask if it is incestuous to slow dance with your daughter at the Father/Daughter dance.
• diagonal park downtown, even if your little car will fit in that box.
• expect the lights to stay on after the first lightning strike.

You can propose your additions to the list by clicking on the comment link. Comments require that you either have a gmail account or an OpenAccess account. If you have neither, clicking on the comment link will give you a chance to do so.

The ones I pick for further consideration will be featured in a Daily Egg post and comments will be invited. If you survive that round, on the list you go. Picks are made by me for any arbitrary notion I have and are not subject to any criterion of reasonableness.

A Few More Things You Shouldn't Do in Valdosta

The most endless feature of this column is the quest to come up with a list of 100 Things You Cannot Do In Valdosta. The list currently stands at 50 items after a long-overdue pruning to get rid of out of date items, politicians who were hounded out of office, or people who died and ruined our fun.

Here are some items I am thinking of adding. The silly poll hanging out somewhere to your left on this page will let you vote on the ones you like best. If you want to add your own, vote for other and the software will let you add one. Comments are also allowed. With all these options, we do limit you to one set per customer.

• Start a brawl (or join one) at First Friday Celebrations downtown.


• Tell Reverend Rose you are not the son or daughter of a slaveowner.


• Hack the Valdosta Daily Times website during an election.


• Name a Parking Garage after Former VSU President Ron Zaccari.


• Tell your friends you know where the Olive Garden is going to be built


• Ask what are those big pointy things are outside of the arts center

Send me your suggestions!

You can also clink the link for comments at the end of this post or click on the envelope icon to send me an email. Do you get the idea that I want you to react to this?

100 Things You Should NOT Do in Valdosta

Welcome to the list of 100 things You Should NOT do in Valdosta. This list began at the turn of the century (this one, not the last one) and has grown and shrunk since then. Sometimes jokes get old, or things change, or people we made fun of died, or got run out of office.

The list is ordered from oldest to newest. If you are a repeat viewer, you can go to the newer things here.

You can contribute to the list. I'm short of 100 right now so I am actively encouraging contributions. Just leave your comment at the bottom of the page.

1. Wear your dentures to a country concert at Wild Adventures
2. Drive 75 mph on North Patterson so you can catch all the red lights
3. Refer to Valdosta as “The Home of Enos from the Dukes of Hazzard”
4. Being late and expecting not to catch the damned old train on Baytree
5. Ask; "Who was Wright Bazemore?"
6. Being early and not expecting to catch the damned old train on Baytree
7. Order iced tea without saying "sweet" or "unsweet" first
8. Be pregnant and wear a Bikini to Wild Adventures
9. Ask anyone in Clyattville where that smell comes from
10. Actually think that the bridges will ice over in winter
11. Call Valdosta Technical College the “Tech School”
12. Call VSU “Valdosta College”
13. Correct a native's pronunciation of the word Pecan
14. Don't believe them when they say they are saving that collector car "for their grandson"
15. Drive through Remerton too fast, too slow, or too close to the center line
16. Expect anything intelligent in the VD Times Rant and Rave
17. Let go of your shopping cart in the Publix parking lot" It will roll 'til it hits 30 mph or a person, whichever comes first
18. Say that academics is more important than football
19. Support City/County School consolidation
20. Volunteer to bring cookies to the breast feeding class at the Lowndes County Health Department
21. Wear a Viking Cap at Valdosta High
22. Wear a Wildcat Cap at Lowndes High
23. Drive to Lake City for beer on Sunday and speed back to Valdosta with no headlights on
24. Expect more than 2 channels with rabbit ears
25. Expect to make a living wage at Valdosta State University
26. Give away your Yankee status immediately by asking if the term "pole bender" sounds perverted
27. Go out to Grassy Pond with a loaf of bread and say, "Here Gator, Gator"
28. Leave crayons on the seat of your car in the summer
29. Let your dog use the bathroom in your neighbor's yard
30. Let your kids believe everything they teach them in the DARE program - its OK to have wine with a meal!
31. Look for a library at the "Carnegie Library" on Central Ave
32. Make fun of a member of the Security Forces Detachment at Moody AFB for having a Northern Accent
33. Make fun of someone's southern accent
34. Make Sopranos references at Mom and Dad's
35. Openly discuss your admiration for the genius of Charles Darwin
36. Pay list price for anything
37. Put Hooter's Gift Certificates in the collection plate on Sunday
38. Say that East Alden Avenue is NOT a cut through street to Williams Street or Ashley Street
39. Shout, "look at that mullet" when a redneck heaves into view
40. Sit outside and let the mosquito's bite
41. Smoke Buglers anywhere because they look like joints
42. Spit off the Sky Walk at VSU
43. Talk about how good things are in Atlanta
44. Transport drugs on I-75 and drive real fast
45. Try to get anywhere on time if driving on Bemiss Road
46. Try to turn left onto Gornto from the Baytree Bank of America parking lot
47. Answer an ad in the classifieds looking for a Gator Trapper
48. Bet on the Braves winning the World Series
49. Call it a pond instead of a bar pit, you dumb Yankee
50. Circle repeatedly around the VSU campus in your late-model sports car while playing really loud rap music and carrying several ounces of marijuana in your glove compartment
51. Tell Reverend Rose you are not the son or daughter of a slaveowner
52. Name a Parking Garage after Former VSU President Ron Zaccari.
53. Tell your friends you know where the Olive Garden is going to be built
54. Ask what are those big pointy things are outside of the arts center
55. Hack the Valdosta Daily Times website during an election.

Go to the Top

You can propose your additions to the list by clicking on the comment link. Comments require that you either have a gmail account or an OpenAccess account. If you have neither, clicking on the comment link will give you a chance to do so.

The ones I pick for further consideration will be featured in a Daily Egg post and comments will be invited. If you survive that round, on the list you go. Picks are made by me for any arbitrary notion I have and are not subject to any criterion of reasonableness.